How do my friendships work? Who knows…I feel I have reached a normal point of communication. I am so sick of needing reassurance by other people. Even reassurance from other people ABOUT other people. So…is she a people person? How does she get away with being so quiet? Why do people stick around them despite their timid personality?
I don’t understand how people gravitate towards one another…as you get older it’s a lot less of what you see…and I feel like this is why it perplexes me so much, as I am still so obsessed with outward appearance.
If you’re intelligent and funny – it’s obvious, you’re in people’s faces, they can’t ignore you and your personality. If you’re quiet – how do people notice you in the first place? Or persevere with you until there’s some sort of weird friendship boundary that is broken and two people bond.
When have I be accepted for me? When I was loud…when I was funny…before I had explored all corners of my personality and it was easy for me to define myself. Today I am multidimensional, and I change on a daily basis. I’ve decided to…not accept…I’ve decided to go with it, so far it isn’t as scary as it seems. I guess that is because I trust myself to be wary of others – when I’m real, I’m genuinely caring and apologetic for how I may be, when I’m insecure I have no idea how people are seeing me, or care enough about their opinion to modify myself to my real self that would be feeling the connection between me and that person.
I am insecure around secure people that are quiet. Secure people that are loud are people that I can understand, and people that are clear enough in their attitude, feelings and understandings for me to know when I stand with them. Quiet people are intimidating…I feel like they can see straight through me.
I don’t believe I’m quiet at all. I believe I can be quiet and introverted, and that is ok. I feel like there is such a dramatic change between my quiet lack of enthusiasm to my happy, bouncy self that people give too much of a shit for me to bother switching between the two. I fucking hate being asked if I’m ok when I honestly, truly am.
How long to people stick with you when you are only mediocre to be around? I feel as though I have to accept that when I am my “real self” I am quite a character…perhaps, I’m more marmite than butter. I’m more likely to have people that do and don’t like me…than people that like me or don’t care. That’s because I am Ellie, I am a bit weird, silently clever around certain things, funny but with a twisted ability to push boundaries and a person that can be quite a bitch. But I think my judgemental side may change. I realise now that I am secure enough in myself that I can’t just please everyone all the time, because now I don’t want to change for everyone – what a vulnerable place to be in, my emotions are actually given the space to be hurt…rejected.
I’ve been so caught up recently on why university scares me so much. Seriously, I’ve felt SO calm since uni has stopped, there is in insane amount of anxiety that has just lifted off me recently. I feel calm, capable and very relaxed. I don’t wake up in the morning and question ridiculously out of context things that I genuinely have no control over or are a figment of my own screwed reality.
I feel like I am far too defensive. I think this because I don’t think people can realise I have a dark side unless they see the really, really manic insecure side of me. Or if I’m literally in tears completely helpless. I want people to see me for how I really feel. Hmm…how I really feel about myself. This is all about myself, I hate that.
I feel secure in the company of adults, maybe there’s an excuse for my inability to completely fit in because of my age and experience? I feel secure in a workplace rather than a university lecture, is that because these are “my people” that can actually make a judgement on me that I will care about because it will shape my…popularity.
Disgusting. Popularity. I am so obsessed with my own standard of popularity. I have so many friends and I don’t feel popular. Popularity doesn’t really exist when you’re older and you’re not queen of the clique in your secondary school and college. I’ve realised popularity is defined not by a number anymore…that’s…scary? It’s down to who I am.
I have no trust in who I am. I think I’m pretty dark and uncaring about others except when things affect me. I pick, I choose, I dismiss, I judge. Am I playing with new powers I’ve never felt in control of before? Yet…no one really feels these things happen, I never act on my thoughts (to an extent). So…maybe I’m just a normal person keeping things in my head so that other people don’t get hurt…why do I care so much when I “don’t care so much” about being horrible to people.
Recently I’ve struggled with defining who I am by the normal fluidity of a person, rather than by experience and a “life”. It’s working out for me. But I feel completely insecure being like that at university because if other people have a life – that’s…competition? That’s a standard I could reach? Or could go above? I’m not sure…
Perhaps it’s this whole “perfectionist” thing…maybe I’m perfecting myself for other people because that’ll make me feel better about myself: I’m perfect for you which is perfect for me. This is total shit, there’s evidence where people are comfortable with themselves when they don’t define themselves around other people and number of friends.
I suppose I’m also kinda scared about being alone and being rejected. I was rejected and I went through the biggest, longest and deepest amount of pain I’ve ever felt. I was so alone for the first time. Yeah, I was in pain before, but it was manageable because popularity was important and there were people and things and stuff and gossip. Then suddenly that didn’t matter as the one thing that I had been defining myself by was lost…
You…
You were perfect for me. The person perfect for you was like you. I wanted to be like her to be perfect for you. How was that rejected? Because of complete bullshit.
Well…where does that leave me? The one person I cared about left me. Everything else and everyone else I’d already spent too much time caring about. What disgusts me is how little I can remember of this time…how did I feel? I don’t know…I just know what started to happen and how that felt when it became my life.
But I don’t blame you…I really don’t. I’m angry because it didn’t have to happen. But it’s not your fault that I went down this path, that it lead me to come to terms with myself… “myself” being something that wasn’t even there to rely upon.
Maybe I do blame myself when really I need to…cry for myself. I need to feel sad that I felt so utterly terrible about myself and with myself. Why? You weren’t happy, Ellie. But you didn’t have to feel like it was the end…you didn’t have to feel like the change had to be so dramatic. You could have just listened to yourself and heard what you needed, and you could have found other people to listen to that too.
My mind is now straying to what people say about me these days…it surprises me, it makes me happy but the happiness is not to any same degree that I feel shocked.
“popular” “caring” “intelligent” “funny” “delightful” “weird” “happy” “bubbly” “ridiculous” “confident” “strong”
But sometimes I am not those things all the time…therefore, do I lose those characteristics. Obviously, no. But that is so hard to believe.
There has been rarely any negativity that I have heard…except from people that really trust me and I really trust them.
Jealousy…confusion…is what seems to drive me these days. Or at least I don’t give much attention to the side of me that loves…cares and dreams.
