My Thinking Is Muscular

- Albert Einstein. A collection of thoughts as life continues to be a joyous adventure.

art/breakfast group

i’m starting to feel awkward in art group, especially since an even newer person has arrived and me and mandy are literally the only people who are’t new to recovery or some form of recovery.

i feel like i can only relate by talking about my past and how i have changed, which just makes me sound like a dick because i haven’t recovered yet, but there’s no other way to contribute to the discussion that we’re having.

i kept in mind that i tend not to talk about my own experience with my ED but when i brought up some of the issues i had dealt with in that week they were just…left, because no one could relate because no one has got to the same place yet.

i spoke to kate on the phone (which scared her a bit because i never used to be able to speak to her via phone haha) and she said she’d talk to the woman that runs group and see what she thinks.

i’m also worried about my parent’s money so i don’t want to be wasting it somehow…

i know that i’m in art group for the art not the conversation, but we haven’t done art in so long and every theme is on something that i’ve already processed. When i left thursday group, my friend (mandy) had the same feeling that she was just in a different place compared to everyone else…

we’ll see.

anyway, breakfast group was lovely as always, i love it because we talk about our own individual emotions and issues and it doesn’t really follow a constructed ”theme” because we’re all at different ages and have had different experiences. i love this group and i love working with emmy :)

making chicken and veg pie tonight and i’m excited to do it well and impress theo again :D hehe

i just need to complain

yesterday my dad made me cry on the way home because i complained about working longer than expected at my job that i went to straight after my final exam that went better than expected. he told me to stop being nicer to other people and working extra hours and going to theo in canary wharf because “it will kill me”

he had no idea that this is my life now. in order to get a job and fucking survive in london i’m working 3 days a week at an internship, and it seems 6-11pm on thursdays, 12-6pm saturdays and 12-11pm on sundays.

i’m fucking TIRED and i was NERVOUS for my exam: it’s not me taking on extra hours and it’s not me thinking i’m gonna fail my final year. it’s just emotions.

and i know, dear father, that you are working very hard in finding the money to pay for the flat for this year, and i appreciate that. i’m not complaining about anything other than being fucking tired and stressed and NEVER getting a break to relax and think about my life.

at least you fucking work from home.

Group

So tonight group was lovely. Because of various essay results/exams i hadn’t attended wednesday group in forever so i felt terrible and so glad i decided to fuck revision and attend.

A new girl (with 14yrs of therapy in her back pocket) announced she was leaving the clinic with 2 weeks notice. It was a prime example of cutting running as soon as shit gets tough and intense and overwhelming - i.e as soon as you’re making progress. We got to give her good feedback and i hope she stays. She needs to be happy, not just a healthy weight.

Afterwards a couple of girls read from they’re compiled “100 things i love list” - it was beautiful, hearing they’re unique little kicks in life, i’m about to make a list myself.

The group was interesting in reflecting on my own standpoint in therapy and it’s place in my life; how much i need it, how much i want it.
There’s a separation yet correlation in how much i need and want it. I want it because i need it. But i don’t need it to create a life for myself…i think i have a very healthy attitude towards it these days. i used to think groups especially were a waste of time and that therapy was separate from my “real life”. But now…everything is linked because i am ONE person. Not just a person and a person with an eating disorder in therapy. I want to be happy in my whole self. Not just in one part.

Came home and made salmon fillets with honey mustard sauce :) yay i love cooking these days!

One to one session

So I went for my one-to-one and I was in a bubbly mood despite being worried about my weight result.

On the sunday (two days before) i had my first shift at work and it had happened to be their busiest night ever because it was Greek Easter. I was literally on my feet from 12-11.35pm with a break of half an our for some feta salad thing and a sit down. I was so tired. I kept snacking on the yummies all night but i couldn’t shake the fear that I could be having a proper work out haha. Luckily my nights won’t usually be like that and now i know the format (very relaxed lunch break and i can have whatever i want for lunch from there) so it will be a lot easier.
Apparently my weight was only down a little and i was forgiven haha.

I am proud because i didn’t use it as a way to lose weight or restrict. I am so going for weight gain at the moment! For the first time i was scared! And made up for it by baking ginger, honey and apricot loaf for me and theo (didn’t ONCE go for a restricted recipe or ingredient and even added the extra butter/honey on top to make it better) i ate it too and made sure my meals were substantial.

I am really proud of my cooking at the moment. I’m so focussed on eating properly in each meal and making sure i hit all nutritional units that it’s helping me actually make the time and plan to cook.

This week i’m cooking theo italian stuffed chicken breasts (cheese and tomato) with oriental stir fry vegetables and oatmeal banana cookies for pudding! I can’t wait to show him my yummy skills!
Last night i made lamb stir fry :D

I have been so stressed lately with poor essay results, exam revision, new job, house hunting and internship that i feel all over the place. I’ve been so sensitive that it’s affecting me and theo because he is just so chilled at the moment compared to me. I’m crying at the drop of a hat and tbh with my essay results i feel…stupid…because i actually tried. I’m totally questioning my course choice and wondering if i’ll be able to get a 2:1 next year and therefore overall. Meh. :(

I just want to feel…all together…i want proof of my strength and ability. I don’t need proof of my effort and perseverance.

I texted kate about my thoughts about not being able to be a therapist because i wouldn’t be able to get into the masters course and she was very reassuring. I’m only trying at this stupid pointless religion degree so i can get a 2:1 and eventually do a masters in psychotherapy. That is my dream.

breakfast club and spiritual group

breakfast club was fine, it always is these days. Partially because i’ve beaten my fear of breakfast every morning and also because i understand the point of the big breakfast i have there. I feel comfortable because it is helping me gain in a really safe environment. I feel no anxiety or panic and it feels very routine. What’s also nice is that I get to work with Emmy who I find truly inspiring. It’s really interesting watching some of the other girls have breakfast (or not have breakfast) and seeing them panic and modify their food etc etc. It makes me feel really proud because not long ago I was in the same place as them.

After we have spiritual group where some extra people join us. We were continuing our theme of our personal sexuality and our “sexual selves” - a topic which i’m totally cool about because i LOVE sexuality, i love exploring my body, other people’s bodies and i love the feeling you get from every experience encircling sexuality. 

It was a beautiful group, Emmy (the owner, clinician, etc etc) wanted everyone to disclose anonymously on a piece of paper something they wish to divulge, but we all (except one) wanted to just say it haha. It was beautiful, we all trusted one another so much, one girl even came out. I feel so lucky to be part of such a safe environment and for there to be a balance within the group.

Made me feel great. Now i’m back at Theo’s which is a place that can be triggering because food is less easy for me to feel comfortable about, i’m not sure why. And I usually end up losing weight here without planning too just because I second guess and predict and don’t follow a plan.

I’m glad i’m writing this because it’s making me come to terms with the weekend and for me to be more mindful.

So - friday (tomorrow) I have an exam in the afternoon, obviously I will have breakfast and lunch and in the evening we’re celebrating our 1 year 4 months so we’re going out for dins. So friday will be peachy keen. 

Saturday - revision day - THIS is when i need to be mindful.

Sunday - working 12-9pm, need to make sure lunch happens and i’m not sure if i’m eating on the job or before…also, i will be on my feet so i must eat well at least at dinner

tonight we’re making beef stir fry again with 500g of beef heh heh :D we be big babas by next week

Yesterday

Ugh…i don’t want to be honest.

Yesterday i went to my one-to-one and got weighed (i am still, once a week) and had gone down. The reason i don’t want to admit to that is because i’m scared whoever is reading this doesn’t believe me that i actually upped my food and awareness and it was probably the insane stress, early mornings and late nights that i wasn’t considering could have an effect.

See anorexics are just sooo manipulative, when do you believe they’re actually trying? Well, i am. Because i’m sick of being here. Next week i know i will have gained because i am aiming to.

Anyway, after that disappointment we started speaking about feeling for the past and about my Rejection post.

I was bullied, quite lightly compared to some, in primary school. And then kinda unstable and insecure in college in a very disguised way. The “key” to my insecurity and restricting in anorexia comes from all those shitty feelings in the past that i never got to feel better about. So i’ve grown up…bullied haha, and if not being bullied, then bullying myself emotionally and then…i guess physically.

To make peace with the past, i have to return to it and be in those moments again. It is so difficult to think about doing that, i’m so emotionally disconnected from those events that i can only remember the feeling of loss, confusion, sadness and hate…but i can’t really feel them.

I know i hold SO much from those times, as even now talking to the bullies (who are normal people these days, heh) seems really…scary. I suddenly don’t feel so confident.

As much as i want to go back and punch them all in the womb, i’m still intimidated by them today.


This shall be worked upon.

I’ve even lessened my therapy intensity. Granted, it was due to my parents splitting and my dad trying to watch money, but it feels so…natural…

ahhh man i want to be free

i want to keep writing on here!

maybe the new plan will be to write after every therapy session - document what we’ve spoken about, and give myself some space and time to deepen my thinking further. 

as regards my progress so far…recovery has never felt so good and so close. Granted, i’m not gonna be recovered in a heartbeat, but i’ve never felt so strong to do it and to gain weight. 

i’m eating breakfast every morning, and i hadn’t done that for like…two years?! my boyfriend’s shitty eating habits haven’t changed but they aren’t effecting my decisions anymore. i speak opening about how i am with everyone, including my boyfriend - honesty is the way to really put yourself in perspective. i no longer calorie count. i no longer know my weight and document it. i no longer care about my weight as it is just a tool i use to restrict or gain and in fact, i’d rather the process was more intuitive and accepting.

i’ve seen freedom, and i’m witnessing what i’m capable of and who i am every day - and this can only get better.

i can’t wait to live without frustration, fear and disappointment. i can’t wait to not compensate for things. i want to enjoy and explore food because to me, food is something to be enjoyed and indulge in, it can be a happiness in my life, i want to feel comfortable enough to allow it.

i have a session this morning, and i genuinely hope i’ve gained weight.

rejection

How do my friendships work? Who knows…I feel I have reached a normal point of communication. I am so sick of needing reassurance by other people. Even reassurance from other people ABOUT other people. So…is she a people person? How does she get away with being so quiet? Why do people stick around them despite their timid personality?

I don’t understand how people gravitate towards one another…as you get older it’s a lot less of what you see…and I feel like this is why it perplexes me so much, as I am still so obsessed with outward appearance.

If you’re intelligent and funny – it’s obvious, you’re in people’s faces, they can’t ignore you and your personality. If you’re quiet – how do people notice you in the first place? Or persevere with you until there’s some sort of weird friendship boundary that is broken and two people bond.

When have I be accepted for me? When I was loud…when I was funny…before I had explored all corners of my personality and it was easy for me to define myself. Today I am multidimensional, and I change on a daily basis. I’ve decided to…not accept…I’ve decided to go with it, so far it isn’t as scary as it seems. I guess that is because I trust myself to be wary of others – when I’m real, I’m genuinely caring and apologetic for how I may be, when I’m insecure I have no idea how people are seeing me, or care enough about their opinion to modify myself to my real self that would be feeling the connection between me and that person.

I am insecure around secure people that are quiet. Secure people that are loud are people that I can understand, and people that are clear enough in their attitude, feelings and understandings for me to know when I stand with them. Quiet people are intimidating…I feel like they can see straight through me.

I don’t believe I’m quiet at all. I believe I can be quiet and introverted, and that is ok. I feel like there is such a dramatic change between my quiet lack of enthusiasm to my happy, bouncy self that people give too much of  a shit for me to bother switching between the two. I fucking hate being asked if I’m ok when I honestly, truly am.

How long to people stick with you when you are only mediocre to be around? I feel as though I have to accept that when I am my “real self” I am quite a character…perhaps, I’m more marmite than butter. I’m more likely to have people that do and don’t like me…than people that like me or don’t care. That’s because I am Ellie, I am a bit weird, silently clever around certain things, funny but with a twisted ability to push boundaries and a person that can be quite a bitch. But I think my judgemental side may change. I realise now that I am secure enough in myself that I can’t just please everyone all the time, because now I don’t want to change for everyone – what a vulnerable place to be in, my emotions are actually given the space to be hurt…rejected.

I’ve been so caught up recently on why university scares me so much. Seriously, I’ve felt SO calm since uni has stopped, there is in insane amount of anxiety that has just lifted off me recently. I feel calm, capable and very relaxed. I don’t wake up in the morning and question ridiculously out of context things that I genuinely have no control over or are a figment of my own screwed reality.

I feel like I am far too defensive. I think this because I don’t think people can realise I have a dark side unless they see the really, really manic insecure side of me. Or if I’m literally in tears completely helpless. I want people to see me for how I really feel. Hmm…how I really feel about myself. This is all about myself, I hate that.

I feel secure in the company of adults, maybe there’s an excuse for my inability to completely fit in because of my age and experience? I feel secure in a workplace rather than a university lecture, is that because these are “my people” that can actually make a judgement on me that I will care about because it will shape my…popularity.

Disgusting. Popularity. I am so obsessed with my own standard of popularity. I have so many friends and I don’t feel popular. Popularity doesn’t really exist when you’re older and you’re not queen of the clique in your secondary school and college. I’ve realised popularity is defined not by a number anymore…that’s…scary? It’s down to who I am.

I have no trust in who I am. I think I’m pretty dark and uncaring about others except when things affect me. I pick, I choose, I dismiss, I judge. Am I playing with new powers I’ve never felt in control of before? Yet…no one really feels these things happen, I never act on my thoughts (to an extent). So…maybe I’m just a normal person keeping things in my head so that other people don’t get hurt…why do I care so much when I “don’t care so much” about being horrible to people.

Recently I’ve struggled with defining who I am by the normal fluidity of a person, rather than by experience and a “life”. It’s working out for me. But I feel completely insecure being like that at university because if other people have a life – that’s…competition? That’s a standard I could reach? Or could go above? I’m not sure…

Perhaps it’s this whole “perfectionist” thing…maybe I’m perfecting myself for other people because that’ll make me feel better about myself: I’m perfect for you which is perfect for me. This is total shit, there’s evidence where people are comfortable with themselves when they don’t define themselves around other people and number of friends.

I suppose I’m also kinda scared about being alone and being rejected. I was rejected and I went through the biggest, longest and deepest amount of pain I’ve ever felt. I was so alone for the first time. Yeah, I was in pain before, but it was manageable because popularity was important and there were people and things and stuff and gossip. Then suddenly that didn’t matter as the one thing that I had been defining myself by was lost…

You…

You were perfect for me. The person perfect for you was like you. I wanted to be like her to be perfect for you. How was that rejected? Because of complete bullshit.

Well…where does that leave me? The one person I cared about left me. Everything else and everyone else I’d already spent too much time caring about. What disgusts me is how little I can remember of this time…how did I feel? I don’t know…I just know what started to happen and how that felt when it became my life.

But I don’t blame you…I really don’t. I’m angry because it didn’t have to happen. But it’s not your fault that I went down this path, that it lead me to come to terms with myself… “myself” being something that wasn’t even there to rely upon.

Maybe I do blame myself when really I need to…cry for myself. I need to feel sad that I felt so utterly terrible about myself and with myself. Why? You weren’t happy, Ellie. But you didn’t have to feel like it was the end…you didn’t have to feel like the change had to be so dramatic. You could have just listened to yourself and heard what you needed, and you could have found other people to listen to that too.

My mind is now straying to what people say about me these days…it surprises me, it makes me happy but the happiness is not to any same degree that I feel shocked.

“popular” “caring” “intelligent” “funny” “delightful” “weird” “happy” “bubbly” “ridiculous” “confident” “strong”

But sometimes I am not those things all the time…therefore, do I lose those characteristics. Obviously, no. But that is so hard to believe.

There has been rarely any negativity that I have heard…except from people that really trust me and I really trust them.

Jealousy…confusion…is what seems to drive me these days. Or at least I don’t give much attention to the side of me that loves…cares and dreams.