I wish I knew how to express to you what I feel. I so do not want to hurt you, and I never will. And I wish that I could make you happy. But making you happy is in opposition to what half of me so desperately wants to do. To destroy myself. I want to hold you, and you to hold me, and for it not to be about death, or safety. But just us; and how much we love each other. I don’t want to spread my pain, but cutting you off will hurt you as well. I know that.
And you won’t seem to let go. You just hold on, even when you don’t quite know what you’re holding onto anymore. And that is something that I can never ever repay you for. I would quite literally give you the world if I thought it would for one second make up for what you’ve done for me.
Your happiness is priceless to me. And I wish I could give it to you. But I know that’s complicated and it’s about more than just me. I guess at the end of the day we’re going down this path together, and neither of us quite know what we’re doing or where we’re going. And every day we’re testing and we’re trying and working out what ‘friendship’ really means. I do believe one day we’ll find it. And we’ll find it together. Hand in hand.
Maybe this shit is necessary for us to work it out. Stay honest please. I need it from you.
oh and The Girl bought me a book with selected poems by Rumi to say thank you for letting her stay over etc.
it almost made me cry!
after Mess by Caroline Horton, the girl from the clinic that had attended just freaked after hearing a voicemail from her mum. she didn’t want to go home so i invited her back to ours and she stayed over! without going into too much detail she was so brave that night even before she asked to not be alone and the morning after when she tackled breakfast with me and her first lone bus journey home!
anyway, in art group the therapist got us to do an experiment with eye contact. she used me and this particular girl as her guinea pigs. we had to stare into each other’s eyes for two minutes without looking away,and then another two minutes and say “i feel x” as in comfortable, uncomfortable etc, and we found it was really hard not to say “i think i feel” as though to distance yourself and protect the other person. the girl found it really difficult at first and started looking at everywhere but my eyes, in the latter two minutes she explained that it was because i was looking directly into hers, with a really calm “consistent” expression that you’d see if you’d met me elsewhere or if we were just having a conversation…i liked that she’d said i was consistent and calm…
it felt lovely to look into her eyes. she said she wasn’t apprehensive at first because i was a “safe person” because of our experience together the night before. i think the experiment brought us closer together as it felt like a silent conversation where you just start to see the soul of the other. it was lovely, i really connected with her.
earlier that day i’d had the parent session which i was really really excited for. it was as lovely as i thought it would be. because i am rushed for time as it is late i’ll summerize with points that all focus around the fact it was simply an update of my progress and to make sure money is being well spent, so nothing too dramatic could happen anyway!
- kate said she was really proud of me, the way i work with her, the clinic and how honest i am with my recovery
- she said weight wise i’m doing well but it’s not steep enough to cut down treatment for another month or so, which i’m ok with, i only wanted to cut down to save money
- my parents reassured me about money (and have since both got jobs as of today huzzah!)
- she said that apparently when the clinic want to introduce a new person to a group they all agree that the person’s introduction will be perfectly fine if i am there because i am always nice and welcoming to them (apparently?!!! :D) and don’t get territorial or inpatient with newbies
- the above point literally made me so happy i could sing
basically i am happy! the clinic is happy with my progress but want my weight gain to be more dramatic
breakfast group today was lovely, was just me and THAT GIRL again as everyone is either on holiday, suddenly in inpatient or has left because a parent is a dick. we spoke about the messages we’ve been given from a young age that dictates how we see life now and therefore how we act. we spoke about specific messages and then about the real messages that should be the ones we live our life by.
i’ve been brought up in insecurity, facade and tension (especially around money) and the bullying just made me think i should validate myself as a person by what other people think of me/treat me/are like themselves.
it was lovely with Emmy and The Girl, a really positive, supportive, friendly group. i felt like we all bonded together. i am happy
Oops - this is not an immediate post since art group and my one to one AND breakfast group so it may be a little crap.
I don’t really know where to start, so much has happened!
basically, my boss at work sent round a group email threatening that if we didn’t improve our cleanliness at work etc then he would genuinely think about firing people. Of course this scared the shit out of me because i don’t know him very well, i don’t know WORK very well so my mind went all OH MY GOD IF HE FIRES ME BECAUSE I’M THE EASY NEW GIRL TO FIRE FOR NO REASON I AM FUCKED
so i sent back an email being like “i’m sorry, i will improve, i have taken everything you’ve said into consideration…blah blah blah licking arse”
i had a really good one to one straight after this little palaver because i was so fucking anxious about my financial stability and i saw kate and she was all “you don’t have to take responsibility for the whole group ellie, you are new, it wouldn’t have been related to you…you need to find a more stable and secure job” (because i’m being paid cash in hand and not for ALL the hours i work)
so that helped me to feel a little less anxious. then i started applying for part-time paid internships too so that i can have a more stable income that would also advance my CV somewhat…
since then i’ve been back to work and tried to talk to my boss about the email the conversation went like this:
"So…Nikos…you know your email…"
"Yes - don’t you know it wasn’t for you? You’re new. Did you not see I sent it to everyone?"
PHEWF. FUCKING PHEWF. SERIOUSLY. So that’s made me feel a hell of a lot better.
I’ve also arranged for my parents to come in next wednesday to have a session with me and Kate to talk about my progress and to see what’s working/not working/if we can save some FUCKING MONEY.
Jesus I am so stressed about money. fuck.
Thenart groupwas alright…we spoke a lot about food which is annoying. they’re all so focussed on food and title “eating disorder” that it’s mind-numbing when you’re more focussed on your recovery and your relationships and characteristics etc. it’s just different now.
so then group therapist leader was all “how would you guys feel if next week we had some food together? just something small” and my mind was like ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME THIS IS SO NOT GONNA HELP ME?!?!! and they’d ignored my little hint that i had some shit going down in my flat and they didn’t really consider it as relevant.
so i was just like fuck it “i feel like i can’t really bring my shit here because it’s not relevant, and when i do bring it it isn’t recognised as holding any value that is worth support. I feel like i’m a dick by saying that i feel like i’m further on that this.”
Surprisingly, I got some lovely support of people saying that of course I can still bring stuff even if it isn’t entirely relevant to what we’re talking about. And, that maybe I should try to work on the way that I bring things to group in the first place as I seem to package it like I don’t need it to be probed any further - which I can really understand.
Breakfast club was amazing as it usually is and I managed to relax and meditate without Emmy’s direction - we all did.
However, because I hadn’t spoken to my boss about my security in the job yet I was still really anxious. So my visualisation was pitiful and was about 4 months ahead and not at all what i would call a “dream”. I visualised on living in the new flat (yayayayay so happy) and being financially secure. Lol.
Anyway, clearly I need to set my dreams higher. So that’s something to work on next week :) I think i wouldn’t mind getting rid of breakfast group and keeping spiritual group. Just to save that extra £40 or whatever for my dad.
So overall, I’m happy about what i’m doing in recovery. I’m feeling better about Wednesday group. I feel like my attitude and communication with Kate it much better and healthier and natural and that i’m getting my needs met by her.
I think i’m scared about money to the point that I would be comfortable to get rid of one more thing…just for that extra bit of money that could go towards rent or something!
i’m starting to feel awkward in art group, especially since an even newer person has arrived and me and mandy are literally the only people who are’t new to recovery or some form of recovery.
i feel like i can only relate by talking about my past and how i have changed, which just makes me sound like a dick because i haven’t recovered yet, but there’s no other way to contribute to the discussion that we’re having.
i kept in mind that i tend not to talk about my own experience with my ED but when i brought up some of the issues i had dealt with in that week they were just…left, because no one could relate because no one has got to the same place yet.
i spoke to kate on the phone (which scared her a bit because i never used to be able to speak to her via phone haha) and she said she’d talk to the woman that runs group and see what she thinks.
i’m also worried about my parent’s money so i don’t want to be wasting it somehow…
i know that i’m in art group for the art not the conversation, but we haven’t done art in so long and every theme is on something that i’ve already processed. When i left thursday group, my friend (mandy) had the same feeling that she was just in a different place compared to everyone else…
anyway, breakfast group was lovely as always, i love it because we talk about our own individual emotions and issues and it doesn’t really follow a constructed ”theme” because we’re all at different ages and have had different experiences. i love this group and i love working with emmy :)
making chicken and veg pie tonight and i’m excited to do it well and impress theo again :D hehe
yesterday my dad made me cry on the way home because i complained about working longer than expected at my job that i went to straight after my final exam that went better than expected. he told me to stop being nicer to other people and working extra hours and going to theo in canary wharf because “it will kill me”
he had no idea that this is my life now. in order to get a job and fucking survive in london i’m working 3 days a week at an internship, and it seems 6-11pm on thursdays, 12-6pm saturdays and 12-11pm on sundays.
i’m fucking TIRED and i was NERVOUS for my exam: it’s not me taking on extra hours and it’s not me thinking i’m gonna fail my final year. it’s just emotions.
and i know, dear father, that you are working very hard in finding the money to pay for the flat for this year, and i appreciate that. i’m not complaining about anything other than being fucking tired and stressed and NEVER getting a break to relax and think about my life.
at least you fucking work from home.
So tonight group was lovely. Because of various essay results/exams i hadn’t attended wednesday group in forever so i felt terrible and so glad i decided to fuck revision and attend.
A new girl (with 14yrs of therapy in her back pocket) announced she was leaving the clinic with 2 weeks notice. It was a prime example of cutting running as soon as shit gets tough and intense and overwhelming - i.e as soon as you’re making progress. We got to give her good feedback and i hope she stays. She needs to be happy, not just a healthy weight.
Afterwards a couple of girls read from they’re compiled “100 things i love list” - it was beautiful, hearing they’re unique little kicks in life, i’m about to make a list myself.
The group was interesting in reflecting on my own standpoint in therapy and it’s place in my life; how much i need it, how much i want it.
There’s a separation yet correlation in how much i need and want it. I want it because i need it. But i don’t need it to create a life for myself…i think i have a very healthy attitude towards it these days. i used to think groups especially were a waste of time and that therapy was separate from my “real life”. But now…everything is linked because i am ONE person. Not just a person and a person with an eating disorder in therapy. I want to be happy in my whole self. Not just in one part.
Came home and made salmon fillets with honey mustard sauce :) yay i love cooking these days!
So I went for my one-to-one and I was in a bubbly mood despite being worried about my weight result.
On the sunday (two days before) i had my first shift at work and it had happened to be their busiest night ever because it was Greek Easter. I was literally on my feet from 12-11.35pm with a break of half an our for some feta salad thing and a sit down. I was so tired. I kept snacking on the yummies all night but i couldn’t shake the fear that I could be having a proper work out haha. Luckily my nights won’t usually be like that and now i know the format (very relaxed lunch break and i can have whatever i want for lunch from there) so it will be a lot easier.
Apparently my weight was only down a little and i was forgiven haha.
I am proud because i didn’t use it as a way to lose weight or restrict. I am so going for weight gain at the moment! For the first time i was scared! And made up for it by baking ginger, honey and apricot loaf for me and theo (didn’t ONCE go for a restricted recipe or ingredient and even added the extra butter/honey on top to make it better) i ate it too and made sure my meals were substantial.
I am really proud of my cooking at the moment. I’m so focussed on eating properly in each meal and making sure i hit all nutritional units that it’s helping me actually make the time and plan to cook.
This week i’m cooking theo italian stuffed chicken breasts (cheese and tomato) with oriental stir fry vegetables and oatmeal banana cookies for pudding! I can’t wait to show him my yummy skills!
Last night i made lamb stir fry :D
I have been so stressed lately with poor essay results, exam revision, new job, house hunting and internship that i feel all over the place. I’ve been so sensitive that it’s affecting me and theo because he is just so chilled at the moment compared to me. I’m crying at the drop of a hat and tbh with my essay results i feel…stupid…because i actually tried. I’m totally questioning my course choice and wondering if i’ll be able to get a 2:1 next year and therefore overall. Meh. :(
I just want to feel…all together…i want proof of my strength and ability. I don’t need proof of my effort and perseverance.
I texted kate about my thoughts about not being able to be a therapist because i wouldn’t be able to get into the masters course and she was very reassuring. I’m only trying at this stupid pointless religion degree so i can get a 2:1 and eventually do a masters in psychotherapy. That is my dream.
breakfast club was fine, it always is these days. Partially because i’ve beaten my fear of breakfast every morning and also because i understand the point of the big breakfast i have there. I feel comfortable because it is helping me gain in a really safe environment. I feel no anxiety or panic and it feels very routine. What’s also nice is that I get to work with Emmy who I find truly inspiring. It’s really interesting watching some of the other girls have breakfast (or not have breakfast) and seeing them panic and modify their food etc etc. It makes me feel really proud because not long ago I was in the same place as them.
After we have spiritual group where some extra people join us. We were continuing our theme of our personal sexuality and our “sexual selves” - a topic which i’m totally cool about because i LOVE sexuality, i love exploring my body, other people’s bodies and i love the feeling you get from every experience encircling sexuality.
It was a beautiful group, Emmy (the owner, clinician, etc etc) wanted everyone to disclose anonymously on a piece of paper something they wish to divulge, but we all (except one) wanted to just say it haha. It was beautiful, we all trusted one another so much, one girl even came out. I feel so lucky to be part of such a safe environment and for there to be a balance within the group.
Made me feel great. Now i’m back at Theo’s which is a place that can be triggering because food is less easy for me to feel comfortable about, i’m not sure why. And I usually end up losing weight here without planning too just because I second guess and predict and don’t follow a plan.
I’m glad i’m writing this because it’s making me come to terms with the weekend and for me to be more mindful.
So - friday (tomorrow) I have an exam in the afternoon, obviously I will have breakfast and lunch and in the evening we’re celebrating our 1 year 4 months so we’re going out for dins. So friday will be peachy keen.
Saturday - revision day - THIS is when i need to be mindful.
Sunday - working 12-9pm, need to make sure lunch happens and i’m not sure if i’m eating on the job or before…also, i will be on my feet so i must eat well at least at dinner
tonight we’re making beef stir fry again with 500g of beef heh heh :D we be big babas by next week