Oops - this is not an immediate post since art group and my one to one AND breakfast group so it may be a little crap.
I don’t really know where to start, so much has happened!
basically, my boss at work sent round a group email threatening that if we didn’t improve our cleanliness at work etc then he would genuinely think about firing people. Of course this scared the shit out of me because i don’t know him very well, i don’t know WORK very well so my mind went all OH MY GOD IF HE FIRES ME BECAUSE I’M THE EASY NEW GIRL TO FIRE FOR NO REASON I AM FUCKED
so i sent back an email being like “i’m sorry, i will improve, i have taken everything you’ve said into consideration…blah blah blah licking arse”
i had a really good one to one straight after this little palaver because i was so fucking anxious about my financial stability and i saw kate and she was all “you don’t have to take responsibility for the whole group ellie, you are new, it wouldn’t have been related to you…you need to find a more stable and secure job” (because i’m being paid cash in hand and not for ALL the hours i work)
so that helped me to feel a little less anxious. then i started applying for part-time paid internships too so that i can have a more stable income that would also advance my CV somewhat…
since then i’ve been back to work and tried to talk to my boss about the email the conversation went like this:
“So…Nikos…you know your email…”
“Yes - don’t you know it wasn’t for you? You’re new. Did you not see I sent it to everyone?”
PHEWF. FUCKING PHEWF. SERIOUSLY. So that’s made me feel a hell of a lot better.
I’ve also arranged for my parents to come in next wednesday to have a session with me and Kate to talk about my progress and to see what’s working/not working/if we can save some FUCKING MONEY.
Jesus I am so stressed about money. fuck.
Thenart groupwas alright…we spoke a lot about food which is annoying. they’re all so focussed on food and title “eating disorder” that it’s mind-numbing when you’re more focussed on your recovery and your relationships and characteristics etc. it’s just different now.
so then group therapist leader was all “how would you guys feel if next week we had some food together? just something small” and my mind was like ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME THIS IS SO NOT GONNA HELP ME?!?!! and they’d ignored my little hint that i had some shit going down in my flat and they didn’t really consider it as relevant.
so i was just like fuck it “i feel like i can’t really bring my shit here because it’s not relevant, and when i do bring it it isn’t recognised as holding any value that is worth support. I feel like i’m a dick by saying that i feel like i’m further on that this.”
Surprisingly, I got some lovely support of people saying that of course I can still bring stuff even if it isn’t entirely relevant to what we’re talking about. And, that maybe I should try to work on the way that I bring things to group in the first place as I seem to package it like I don’t need it to be probed any further - which I can really understand.
Breakfast club was amazing as it usually is and I managed to relax and meditate without Emmy’s direction - we all did.
However, because I hadn’t spoken to my boss about my security in the job yet I was still really anxious. So my visualisation was pitiful and was about 4 months ahead and not at all what i would call a “dream”. I visualised on living in the new flat (yayayayay so happy) and being financially secure. Lol.
Anyway, clearly I need to set my dreams higher. So that’s something to work on next week :) I think i wouldn’t mind getting rid of breakfast group and keeping spiritual group. Just to save that extra £40 or whatever for my dad.
So overall, I’m happy about what i’m doing in recovery. I’m feeling better about Wednesday group. I feel like my attitude and communication with Kate it much better and healthier and natural and that i’m getting my needs met by her.
I think i’m scared about money to the point that I would be comfortable to get rid of one more thing…just for that extra bit of money that could go towards rent or something!