May 2013
6 posts
5 tags
art/breakfast group
i’m starting to feel awkward in art group, especially since an even newer person has arrived and me and mandy are literally the only people who are’t new to recovery or some form of recovery.
i feel like i can only relate by talking about my past and how i have changed, which just makes me sound like a dick because i haven’t recovered yet, but there’s no other way to...
i just need to complain
yesterday my dad made me cry on the way home because i complained about working longer than expected at my job that i went to straight after my final exam that went better than expected. he told me to stop being nicer to other people and working extra hours and going to theo in canary wharf because “it will kill me”
he had no idea that this is my life now. in order to get a job and...
5 tags
Group
So tonight group was lovely. Because of various essay results/exams i hadn’t attended wednesday group in forever so i felt terrible and so glad i decided to fuck revision and attend.
A new girl (with 14yrs of therapy in her back pocket) announced she was leaving the clinic with 2 weeks notice. It was a prime example of cutting running as soon as shit gets tough and intense and overwhelming...
5 tags
One to one session
So I went for my one-to-one and I was in a bubbly mood despite being worried about my weight result.
On the sunday (two days before) i had my first shift at work and it had happened to be their busiest night ever because it was Greek Easter. I was literally on my feet from 12-11.35pm with a break of half an our for some feta salad thing and a sit down. I was so tired. I kept snacking on the...
breakfast club and spiritual group
breakfast club was fine, it always is these days. Partially because i’ve beaten my fear of breakfast every morning and also because i understand the point of the big breakfast i have there. I feel comfortable because it is helping me gain in a really safe environment. I feel no anxiety or panic and it feels very routine. What’s also nice is that I get to work with Emmy who I find truly...
April 2013
4 posts
5 tags
Yesterday
Ugh…i don’t want to be honest.
Yesterday i went to my one-to-one and got weighed (i am still, once a week) and had gone down. The reason i don’t want to admit to that is because i’m scared whoever is reading this doesn’t believe me that i actually upped my food and awareness and it was probably the insane stress, early mornings and late nights that i wasn’t...
3 tags
I’ve even lessened my therapy intensity. Granted, it was due to my parents splitting and my dad trying to watch money, but it feels so…natural…
ahhh man i want to be free
4 tags
i want to keep writing on here!
maybe the new plan will be to write after every therapy session - document what we’ve spoken about, and give myself some space and time to deepen my thinking further.
as regards my progress so far…recovery has never felt so good and so close. Granted, i’m not gonna be recovered in a heartbeat, but i’ve never felt so strong to do it and to gain weight.
i’m eating...
rejection
How do my friendships work? Who knows…I feel I have reached a normal point of communication. I am so sick of needing reassurance by other people. Even reassurance from other people ABOUT other people. So…is she a people person? How does she get away with being so quiet? Why do people stick around them despite their timid personality?
I don’t understand how people gravitate towards one another…as...
December 2012
3 posts
shut up you are not that special or different. get over yourself and live.
so what are real friends?
whenever i’m alone or have been out of london or basically away from any usual structure i get scared that i’ll behave weirdly in front of my friends…or differently.
this is my own fault; i try so hard to be perfect for them that when i’m reunited i can’t remember what the fuck i did around them.
i guess when you think about it, a real...
4 tags
i've finally admitted
there’s nothing holding me back. my boyfriend has shown me all the support i could ever want.
now i’m just left with the fucking brutal truth that i’m scared to get better, to put on weight, that i don’t want to be free yet.
this is the hurdle.
November 2012
2 posts
Anonymous asked: what is muscular thinking
it's been a long time
a lot of stuff has happened.
and i want to write again thanks to inspiration from a very dear friend.
so far
“i’ve been a shell for so long.
A medium for everyone else’s happiness.
But i’m used up now.
And ready to sleep.”
September 2012
1 post
4 tags
I'm so lost
I’ve been avoiding writing - I can’t summon the energy to dwell upon this.
I guess recently i’ve been exposed to the reality of how unhappy I am and how much I am routed in this disorder. This enlightenment came from a meeting that the supervisor proposed where she very bluntly stated “I don’t think you are happy, Ellie.”
This…shocked me. Of course, the...
June 2012
10 posts
2 tags
Draw yourself
In my art therapy group (part of the intensive therapy program i’m enduring) we were asked to draw ourselves. I drew a separated, rectangular puzzle with a thin circular line encompassing it.
At the moment my mind feels broken up into tiny pieces that once, a very long time ago, were comfortably connected. It feels as though when I think deeply about a feeling, person, something happening,...
“One day you finally knew
what you had to do, and began,
though the voices...”
– The Journey - By Mary Oliver
"What we achieve inwardly will change outer...
Hello, my name is Ellie & The Eating Disorder
This is not my identity.
I am Ellie, I am different than I was before, because these days I no longer hide my feelings and live to other people’s standards. I am going to concentrate being the best ME that I can be and nobody can decide what the right ‘me’ is. I know me and I know my thinking, just at the moment i’m becoming aware of the capabilities and what the...
Not thinking
Since this unbelievable kick up the arse i’ve managed to consistently put on weight and i’ve realised, to my regret, that the only way i’m able to really go for it (and succeed) is by not thinking about it or thinking purely of the consequences of losing weight, especially at the moment when the consequences seems so inconvenient to my ‘lovely student life’.
Take...
My therapist sent this to me...
EMPTINESS.
Describing the experience of emptiness to individuals who have never experienced it is difficult. How is it that some emotionally sensitive people, who feel so many emotions so intensely, also struggle with emptiness.
“Emptiness feels like a cold shell. Imagine feeling like a shell of a person with no insides, nothing there.”
Emptiness doesn’t seem to be about loneliness, though it is...
On the blog! →
When In Rome vs. The Big Unknown
So today I got weighed for the first time since Thursday when all the shit went down and I was so very very close to getting sent off to inpatient immediately. I was worried this morning because I woke up and my body felt empty and hollow, I texted Kate and she said I didn’t have to be weighed if I didn’t want to because the official judgement would be on Thursday…but I needed to...
So,
The other day I went to one of my sessions with Kate and I got weighed and hit that weight. The clinic supervisor was brought in and we discussed the alternative option of staying in London until my weight is consistently going up and doing two group sessions a week and two one to ones.
Otherwise it’s immediate inpatient treatment which is a minimum of 6-8 weeks. I would miss Rome, I would...
4 tags
I'm Inspired
This evening I attended a lecture at LSE about the origins of modern atheism where it questioned how you define religious belief personally and on a secular, sociological level and what has influenced and shaped it over the years.
It makes me question my own belief, as one of the speakers was Rev Dr Giles Fraser whose personal belief in God is not classically defined; converted at university age...
May 2012
3 posts
I'm Still Going, I'm Tired
Since my last last post I have gained weight and plummeted to the point that if I lose 10lbs I am shipped off to inpatient care which I found out can cost anything between £500 a day or £2,000-£30,000.
I cannot do that to my parents.
I understand now that inpatient is the right thing to do but it is not the right time and I’d feel uncomfortable with it because at the moment I live with my...
The Toss Up
It seems that with me there is a toss up between a life that flows that has no routine and is slightly reckless, and a life that is regemented and routine based where I get things done in an orderly way and make time for fun as opposed to live in the fun all the time.
When me and my boyfriend had a friend visiting for a week, life was flowing; alcohol every night, sleeping late, eating at strange...
Coming to Terms With Reality
It’s not all just about thought and understanding.
I am 1kg away from breaking the contract with my therapist and being kicked out of the clinic and referred to impatient care. There is no time.
You need to make a decision to act.
April 2012
7 posts
In My Element
One of the most irritating things I can pinpoint about my mind is my involuntary compulsion to premeditate everything and over-think all situations be they social, academic or personal.
I’ve been aware of this as it hinders me from really appreciating time spent with my friends and is related to the way that I try to do things quickly and tick things off the mental checklist - because...
Chance It
“What a poor life this if, full of care, we have no time to stop and stare.” - William Henry Davies
Something that I find hard to deal with is people’s assumption that I’m depressed to the point or direction of suicide. I cannot emphasize my genuine appreciation and love of life, more so since the eating disorder as I feel awoken to the ability and drama of change. These...
Unsolved
After speaking to my therapist who has read my posts, we both noticed that I’ve been avoiding a topic deliberately that could possibly be worth writing about. The reason why I have been avoiding it is because I genuinely cannot understand it and am therefore reluctant to write a jumbled mess of feelings and thoughts.
The issue is to do with decision making. It is impossible and it is the...
Reiterating: The Power of Being Slow
This morning I had an epiphany whilst rushing to get everything sorted and ready before work experience and I was thinking about why, as soon as I step outside to walk to the tube station, that I feel so uncomfortable with my own thoughts or grumpiness that I am compelled to stick my earphones in and blast music to distract or motivate myself. I’ve even wanted to put sunglasses on because I...
The Best Were/Are The Patient
“Endurance is nobler than strength, and patience than beauty.” - John Ruskin
The quote that sums up my journey so far with my eating disorder could be “I want to do it myself”. I decided right from the beginning that I would prove to myself and others that if I had the capability to get myself into this disorder, I should also be able to get myself out of it. Therefore,...
Give Me More
“To confine our attention to terrestrial matters would be to limit the human spirit.” - Stephen Hawking
My past hypocrisy is amusing. During my days of hating humanity, I mocked people’s pathetic and obvious attempts for attention, meanwhile conveniently forgetting about my personal obsession with the size of my body - something viewed by the outside world, by other human...
Take Your Time
“Only when the clock stops does time come to life.” - William Faulkner
Recently, the School of Oriental and African Studies (my university) hosted a TEDx talk which I managed to get a ticket for through a generous friend. In the run up to the talk I spent a majority of my spare time listening to the talks online, quickly getting inspired to learn, understand and question, whilst also...
March 2012
2 posts
Acceptance
“Acceptance and tolerance and forgiveness, those are life-altering lessons.” - Jessica Lange
I began this text post with the words “I don’t want this blog to be about my eating disorder”, and then deleted it as I realised the significance of that sentence. I believe, along with many psychologists and anorexics that learning to accept your ‘issue’ when...
To begin...
“Let your past make you better, not bitter.”
My name is Ellie Parkins, I am an 18 year old university student currently studying BA Study of Religions, but I wish to combine it with Anthropology in my second year. This is a convenient way to begin to describe the roller-coaster wave of emotions that my life has been centred around for the passed year. My sudden interest in...
