I wish I knew how to express to you what I feel. I so do not want to hurt you, and I never will. And I wish that I could make you happy. But making you happy is in opposition to what half of me so desperately wants to do. To destroy myself. I want to hold you, and you to hold me, and for it not to be about death, or safety. But just us; and how much we love each other. I don’t want to spread my pain, but cutting you off will hurt you as well. I know that.
And you won’t seem to let go. You just hold on, even when you don’t quite know what you’re holding onto anymore. And that is something that I can never ever repay you for. I would quite literally give you the world if I thought it would for one second make up for what you’ve done for me.
Your happiness is priceless to me. And I wish I could give it to you. But I know that’s complicated and it’s about more than just me. I guess at the end of the day we’re going down this path together, and neither of us quite know what we’re doing or where we’re going. And every day we’re testing and we’re trying and working out what ‘friendship’ really means. I do believe one day we’ll find it. And we’ll find it together. Hand in hand.
Maybe this shit is necessary for us to work it out. Stay honest please. I need it from you.